Saturday, August 10, 2013

Aversion- A strong dislike or disinclination. Synonyms: repugnance, distaste, dislike, antipathy, disgust

A couple years ago my family went gluten free. At first, I ate so many eggs that I actually developed and aversion to them and my body would automatically purge them if ever I attempted to eat them. I eventually got past it and can now eat them without vomiting, although now, I try and limit how often I eat them.

But somehow over this past year, I have developed and aversion to CHURCH.

I have been going to church all of my life. I was actually raised R.L.D.S. (no, not a mormon) and then converted to Methodism in my twenties. (and that, my friends, is a whole other blog).

At that time, I had such a renewed joy and passion for my God and who He really was and felt such a love for my church and we went all the time. We got involved with some classes and volunteering and vacation bible school and I made my kids go to youth group. We even made new friends, which, let me tell you, is pretty significant.

But a little over a year ago I started getting really tired of seeing all these people every Sunday looking so bright and shiny with their nice clothes and big smiles. Everyone just seemed so happy and wonderful like they were trying to convince the world their lives were perfect. And I wondered to myself, "what is the point of all this?"

And sometimes I would just look around during a service, and the worship leaders would have their eyes closed and hands in the air and the whole scene would all just seem so FAKE. So contrived and rehearsed and obligatory and it made me feel uncomfortable.

And it really, really started to bother me. And we started going less and less. And every time I would go to church I felt surrounded by a complete and utter facade. And I started to wonder why we gathered here, everyone looking so clean and polished and cheery.

Side note: By the way, moms, it's really no secret that your entire family has been screaming at each other all morning as you rush around trying to get ready and on time for the 10:10 service.

I continued to wonder why we gathered here. And why we all smiled at each other and sat in our pews and sang songs and listened to our pastor explain that being a Christian is about Charity and Service. But here we all were looking beautiful, acting perfect and knowing when we left here today we were just going to go home and enjoy some sort of Sunday feast and watch football or take a nap.

And so, we stopped going.

I feel like church has become a social standard. An expectation to being considered a Christian. And it has become a meaningless ritual. And I have managed to develop this extreme aversion to being at church. (It's quite possibly an aversion to organized religion as a whole, but I haven't quite figured that part out yet.)

And I don't really know how to fix it.

I'm not even sure if I want to.

And I wonder...

Will it correct itself in time like the eggs?

Did I just need a break from it all?

Is going to church a necessary part of the Christian life equation?

And is the only definition of church going to a building on Sunday morning for an hour or two in a cute dress while I listen to the words of wisdom from my pastor, and tell myself I should probably be nicer to people this week and try not to yell at my kids so much?

I feel as if I am at an extremely significant precipice. I need to decide what my relationship with God and humanity looks like. And I don't know whether it should be the cookie cutter version of Christianity or not.

Or maybe I have just lost my damn mind...