Lesson #347, almost learned

I saw this today on Pinterst. (my new addiction, btw). Anyways, the weird thing is I was already thinking this exact thing. So I pinned it to my "I need to learn" board. I think slowly but surely I am starting to implement this. Cleaning out the "toxic" people.

I totally heart Oprah, and one day on her show either she or whatever guest was on that day said "When people tell you who they are, believe them". To me it means, actions speak louder than words, so when people repeatedly let you down, act a fool, or hurt you, they are telling you that is who they are at the core. Believe them.

But  I think it all goes the other way too. Some people are worth the stress. Some people are good and true and even if you hit a rough patch in the relationship, they are worth it. They are worth working it out. I need to learn to believe those people when they "tell me" they are good.

And I have a LOT of those Good and True people in my life.

BFF's

I have the best friends ever...one I just spent 20 minutes on the phone with. I can say anything, be brutally honest and she gets it, she keeps my secrets and she loves me anyways. Meg, I love you to infinity.

Random Thoughts

I am quite possibly addicted to tanning and Diet Coke...between the two I am bound to get cancer...but you know how it is with an addiction

I have an amazing marriage, and I believe there are 4 major reasons for this 1) God is Good, 2) It just comes easy with us, we don't have to kill ourselves to make it work, 3) We don't fight dirty, and 4)We don't just love each other, we like each other, BFF's :)

 I hate being a homeowner, everything always breaks and costs millions of dollars to fix... I swear if I had my choice we would go back to the townhouses...also, they are smaller and take less time to clean

I realize I am very dramatic...I am trying to embrace that fact...but mostly I really hate that part of myself

My new favorite band is The Civil Wars...here is their remake of Disarm by The Smashing Pumpkins

 Go buy this album IMMEDIATELY
http://www.thecivilwars.com/music.php

Does your Blog come on Audiobook?

Last night Jared and I were having one of our "we can't sleep so let's talk til 3 a.m." conversations. Those are my favorite conversations by the way, because they always involve some sort of debate about something completely irrelevant and lots of gossip about people who get on our nerves.

I asked him if he ever read my blog...I knew he hadn't, but I asked him anyways :) Of course he says no. He explains that it's because he doesn't need to read my blog, that he already knows everything I am thinking and I am just as vocal about all my opinions here at home as I am on the internet. 

He's right of course. And it's not really that I care if he reads it, I just sort of wanted him to want to read it. Totally an annoying girl thing, I realize, and isn't it always a Catch 22?

Then he says to me, "well, does your blog come on Audiobook?"

And that right there...hysterical...and why I am so in love with him.

Three's Company

Ok, Jami just posted a really interesting blog about her thoughts (well, someone else's thoughts that echoed her own) on whether or not to have three kids. here it is:

http://0812lane.blogspot.com/2011/08/maybe-someday-maybe.html.


It inspired a response. First and foremost, if Bella is anywhere near as sweet as Ava is, which I am sure she is and there is a possibility for this world to have three Ava's, I say "Go for it, Jami!" BTW, I adore Ava almost more than my own kids :)

But as someone with three and someone who always planned on three, here are my thoughts.

A few Pro's - I have three AMAZING and completely UNIQUE kids, so I think I get the best of ALL worlds as far as kids are concerned. I have the alpha male, perfectionist, all star genius kid who I can totally brag about all the time. I have the sweetest, most sensitive, kind and creative kid who at most times trumps my perfectionist all star when he does things like set up a shop to sell all his toys so he can give homeless people money. Then I have the precious princess with the biggest heart and sweetest smiles and hugs, but doesn't let anybody push her around. I absolutely love being surrounded by such different personalities all the time. (Well, at least most of the time)

There is always more than one of them around, so it's easy for them to entertain themselves, and they all have these really great, different relationships with each other, and that's fun to watch. Because there is three, it seems somehow easier to feel like I still have a "baby", since there are SO many milestones between Austin and Jenna.

A Few Con's - Sweet baby Jesus, it is EXPENSIVE! I just spent over $1000 on school clothes/supplies for the three of them. They fight...A lot. It's harder to get rid of three at the same time when you want a date night...or a nap. Sometimes, it's obvious they outnumber you 3 to 2, and they use that against you. When you have three unique kids, you also have unique problems and personality clashes.

Sometimes when I want to get in my car and drive away I wonder if Cameron had been a girl, if we would have stopped. Then I wonder what that would be like...having only two. How much calmer and quieter life would be. Then, of course, I realize that it would really suck not having them all. It would be a sadder, darker, colder world without my three little balls of fire and how would I ever have known that if I hadn't had three :)

A Decree

I am a little out of my mind and ready for school to start...today I wrote this decree to my kids. I'm sure they will completely ignore it, but I made myself laugh. I have every intention of posting it on my door on a large piece of hot pink poster board.

"Dear precious babies that I love more than anything in this whole world,

Please read the following in your best British accent-

Hear Ye Hear Ye!
Please comply with the following request. Failure to do so may result in bodily injury.

If you come looking for me and find this door closed, it is in your best interest to RUN AWAY...If you need immediate assistance please go and find A) Your Father, B) A non-creepy neighbor or C) the X-box.
The only expection to this rule is if you are bleeding to death or something is on fire and you are pretty sure you can't put it out on your own.

If this door is open, please feel free to bombard me with all your woes and/or shenanigans, including but not limited to- tattling on A) Jenna for karate chopping your face, B) Cameron for jumping off of the sofa and hanging from the ceiling fan or C) Austin for referring to you as a "dramatic weiner"

I appreciate your comlpiance with the above and love you to infinity.
Mom"

I am confident that this will most likely result in lots of banging and kicking of my door coupled with much wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

Or maybe they will give me five minutes to myself :)

No Wire Hangers!

Today I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Anyone who knows me, must realize I am a complete bipolar insane woman, and these past few weeks have just been stifling.

It's hot...and my kids have lost their damn minds...and I had a dream that I beat my daughter with a hanger. I woke up covered in sweat and tears and prayed to Jesus that I wasn't seeing a glimpse into my future self.

I thought maybe if I wrote about it, I would feel better. It's yet to see if I am right.

All my life I've heard that when you are in heaven, before you are born, you get to pick your parents.

There is no way that is true. My kids would of never, ever picked me. Of that I am confident. And I'm not just saying that so people will say "no, you are a good mom...blah blah blah." I am trying to be brutally honest. 

I felt bad for them today, for having me as a mom, so I took them out to lunch and let them act like lunatics with hyper active disorder in the restaurant and I didn't say a word to them...then I bought them ice cream and clothes.  Maybe that makes up for it all...but probably not.

This whole blog sounds insufferable and ridiculous...good Lord I need a vacation.

Take a look, it's in a book...

It's reading rainbooowwww...

Already, I digress. But I know without a doubt that Jordy Laforge (ten points for knowing that reference) would recommend my new favortite book as well.

Please do yourself a favor and immediately purchase and read "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. I started reading this book Friday night about 10 pm and read until I could no longer keep my eyes open.  Then I woke up on Saturday, opened some yogurt for my kids and went right back to reading, until I finished.

It's raw, and true, and poignant and funny and warm and Southern (which is always my favorite attribute).

And if that wasn't enough, they've made a movie. I will most deifinitely be paying for the excruciatingly over priced movie ticket to see it opening weekend :) LOVE the cast!

For Susan

I haven't blogged in a while...been so busy. But I have to take the time to remember Susan today.

I met Jackie on New Years eve when I was sixteen. From the instant we started talking, we never really seemed to stop. She is to this day one of my very best friends.

I met Susan not long after when I went to spend the night with Jackie. I loved her like a mom from the very start.She was so very full of love. She was always smiling, and always ready with a warm and gentle hug. I spent a lot of time at the Mauck's in my teenage years, and Susan was always there with us, listening to our silly conversations, always ready with her innate and infinite wisdom.

Susan was one of the few people who did not pass judgement when I became pregnant at the age of 17. Her opinion of me did not change, she loved me just the same. She even went out of her way to give me a small job that summer. She will never know the power her love has had in my life as I'm sure it is the same for so many of you.

Her faithfulness was an inspiration. I have truly never known anyone to radiate the love of Jesus Christ like Susan. She was so special and amazing, and I fail her with my words. There is no doubt in my mind that our Lord has welcomed her with open arms into His kingdom, and I can only patiently wait until I get to see her again.

Even though life changed, as it does, and I saw less of Susan as the years went on, I remained close to her. The last time I saw her was at the hospital when Susanna was born. She was so full of joy, and I got to hug her and spend a few minute with her. She was like a mother to me, and I am so very grateful that she took the time to leave her everlasting, and everloving impression in my life. Thank you Lord for allowing our paths to cross.

My heart is broken for her beautiful family, and for this whole wide world. We have lost a bright and beautiful soul and there is none that can take her place.

Susan, til we meet again, I love you :)

Do what I say not what I do

So many of you know the journey we are on with Jenna's health and the alternative route we have taken with her health. Her doctor diagnosed her with a candida overgrowth and she is currently undergoing treatment for that along with a very strict anti-candida diet. Basically, that means, no sugar, grains, starches or vinegar. AKA lean protein and veggies and some nuts.

She has really struggled with this, as you can imagine, even though it is only for ten days. Somewhere along the way she must have reasoned that starving herself or only eating a spoonful of almond butter was a good game plan. That, and sneaking bites of donuts at Papa's house or eating a granola bar under her bed. So, yesterday after realizing that she was getting very skinny, I decided to keep her home from school where I could make sure she wasn't cheating and so I could cook for her all day long and force her to eat :)

Of course explaining the reason for her absence to school seemed to be unnecessary so, as we were driving to go pick up Jared's sister I call the Blackburn Office. I tell them Jenna isn't at school today because she has a stomach ache. Promptly after hanging up Jenna says to me, "I don't have a stomach ache!"

So I explain to her that it is easier to say that then to explain about her special diet, not mention the key fact that she is starving herself which could possibly trigger a call to DFS

She then says to me. "So, you just lied?"

Silence. I cannot even think of how to explain that to her. More silence.

Then I just say, "Yea, I guess I did"

So, how is it that I can require and expect my kids to be honest all of the time, no matter what? How can I tell them that is is always better to be honest, when I don't always tell the truth?

Taking it even further, it seems to me that the things I am always getting onto them about are things I do myself. Like yelling, or whining. Or not having any patience. And let me tell you, I am the master of impatience.

So, I figure the best, although imperfect, remedy for this problem is honesty. Ironic much? Seriously though, I just try and tell my kids "You know what, mom isn't perfect. I make mistakes, I do things that are wrong sometimes, and I have a lot of flaws." I explain to them that I want them to be better than I am. I want them to be kinder, and more patient and loving. I want them to have more self control and compassion for other people. I want them to make better choices than I do.

So kids, in short, what I really am trying to say is "do what I say and not what I do!"

Mom Jeans and Minivans

This morning while watching the Today Show they had a segment about dating and their guest was a 27 year old single woman. I couldn't stop staring at her...she looked so...OLD. And then it hit me, I'm 29. Two years OLDER.

This June I turn 30 and once in a while it just catches me off guard and I start to hyperventilate a little. I know 30 isn't really old by any stretch of the imagination. I don't even think 60 is old. But I think the point is that at 30 it's like you automatically are forced to grow up.

Ok, so Jared and I have been married for ten years and I have three kids. Theoretically, I should of become a grown up years ago. But really I have never felt like an adult. I have an obscene obsession with glitter and Gossip Girl, I still shop in the juniors section of any store and to me there is no such thing as too much lip gloss. I'm the girl who wants to learn how to shoot a gun, but it absolutely must be hot pink with rhinestones on the handle. Side note: Jared says that is silly because the bad man will see my gun miles away. I replied, "No, cause odds are I will be wearing a hot pink, glittery shirt so it will blend in"

Getting older doesn't really bother me...being the inappropriate mom with fake boobs and pigtails kind of does. But I realize this is all because I care what people think of me. And when it comes down to either lip gloss and VS PINK hoodies or mom jeans and minivans ..well, inappropriate it is!

These Blueberries taste like CheeseFood

Today Jared posted this article about the "pretend blueberries" they put in blueberry food.

http://naturalnews.tv/v.asp?v=7EC06D27B1A945BE85E7DA8483025962

For some reason this really grossed me out. It's like when you see the ingredient cheese food or mechanically seperated chicken.

Since being married to Jared and becoming a part of the Richards/Nature's Pantry family my whole way of thinking about food and what we put in our bodies has completely changed.

At first I made so much fun of him. I told him it was all voodoo and he was welcome to go outside and eat some grass while I enjoyed a delicious "healthy" bagel. I was raised, like many of us, to believe that dinner meant meat, potatoes, bread and some sort of canned vegetable. Please dont get me wrong, my mother is a fabulous cook and if I was on death row, I would want her to make my last meal. But, the idea of what is good for us has progressed.


How many of us has bought a "whole grain" cereal with dried fruit (like blueberries) and felt really good about our "healthy" choice? Or maybe a blueberry muffin? With all the chemicals and artificial everything and all the sugar that they put in all of that crap you might as well be eating Cocoa Pebbles or Lucky Charms. Nutritionally, they aren't much different.

And I think that is what is  so wrong. We aren't educated on the reality of what we are eating. We think because it has "fruit" in it, or that it's not a greasy piece of bacon that it is good for us. The food pyriamid = load of crap. Low Fat Diet = Unhealthy. We are lied to over and over and bad food is often disguised as good. For instance, fat isn't bad for you. Healthy fats, like those in olive oil or avacados are essential for our brains and hearts. The low fat yogurt or sour cream your're eating, is worse for you. Why? Because they take out the good milk fat and therefore remove much of the flavor. So what do they add to enhance flavor so you will eat it? Sugar.

The point is we need to educate ourselves on how God made our bodies and what we really should be eating. Take the time to do it, take the time to plan meals and eat at home. When you cook your own meals you can control every ingredient.


When you are ready to change the way you eat it's all about baby steps. My suggestion: maybe start with some actual, real live blueberries.

I Never Finish Anyth....

I sort of pride myself on the fact that I have an extraordinary ability to self analyze and correctly diagnose my internal crazy.  Amongst a long list of short comings, I have a serious problem with completing/committing to big "stuff".

Sometimes when I point this out Jared gives me a nervous look. I always comfort him by explaining that he need not worry, him and the kids are the one thing I am fiercely committed to, and besides if I was going to run away, I would have done it by now.

I often find myself taking on things like a new career or a new project at church. I am initially excited about the endeavor, but as soon as it becomes an obligation...I'm out.

I truly believe it stems from my fear of failure and the fear of losing control. I physically cannot breathe sometimes if I in any way feel like someone or something has any amount of control over what I do. And of course, being a first born, I have the incessant need for everyone's approval...so if I start something and fail, what will people think of me? Instead, I just quit. I quit whatever it is and come up with some sort of ingenious explanation of why it's better for the world if I quit. I think I do a pretty good job of convincing everyone to see it my way, see why the "new thing" I am doing is not working out, with no fault of my own, of course. In reality, I am probably only convincing myself.
 

There is a huge part of me that is just fine with this. I really don't have a big desire to be some amazing career woman or make a lot of money. I am happy to just be the lady who is there to get her kids on and off the bus, to volunteer at school, keep my house clean and have time to go out to lunch with my mom or my BFF.

But because I have multiple personality disorder (an exaggerated self diagnosis), once in a while it makes me feel like a loser. Like I should be doing something more with my life. Because everyone else seems to be. There should be the ONE thing I am really good at. I told Jami yesterday that it's a good thing she can sew, because that is an important skill. I however have no skills. Jill replied and said that I make everyone laugh. That was sweet, but its really not a skill. It's like all the times when I have made comments about having zero talent, and it never fails, someone always says "you are really good at talking"

Talking? Seriously. This is why I will never finish/ follow through with anything in my entire life, because it will inevitably require more than a conversation.

The Madness That is March

Glory Glory Hallelujah March Madness has arrived!

I am a die hard KU fan and what a better way to enter the tournament than being #1 in our conference. Big 12 Champs once again!!!

I love the spring weather, the sound of college B-ball going on every TV throughout the house, and having tons of people constantly here watching the games.

If everyone bought me presents, I would probably pick March Madness over Christmas as the most wonderful time of the year!

Tuxedo T-Shirts are the New Black

From now until Mid May I will probably blog a lot about our trip to Vegas. We are going to celebrate ten years of marriage on May 12, 2011.

First of all I absolutely have the world's best husband. Hands down, literally no one comes close. And he is a saint for putting up with me and my crazy, multiple personality disorder, self.

One of the highlights of our trip will be the renewal of our vows in the famous Little White Wedding Chapel where none other than the amazing Elvis, will do the honors.

I am going for the extremely tacky look for this event. Complete with...dun dun dun...Tuxedo T-Shirts!!!!!

For the boys of course :)

I ordered them yesterday and they should arrive this week. Needless to say I am ecstatic!

Mum's the Word

My new favorite band! Mumford and Sons

Do yourself a favor and give it a listen

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Today is the first day of Lent. Here's a link to everyones favorite educational website that explains exactly what Lent is
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lent

I am trying to think of something to abstain from for 40 days. Something that would really mean something. Something that I would have to work pretty hard to give up. I have attempted this is the past, without success.

This year I choose Starbucks. For those of you who know me, know that this is a true sacrifice.

Part of me thinks this seems silly and insignificant compared to the sacrifice Jesus made for me. But really can any sacrifice I make come anywhere near the one He made for me? I think not.

Starbucks is my drug of choice. I don't think I have gone a week without it in years. Maybe I should lock myself in my room for the withdrawl phase...otherwise my husband may leave me and may kids may run away

A Jenna Dilemma

So as most of you know Jenna was at Children's Mercy for a few days a couple of weeks ago with her fourth kidney infection. While she was there they did a renal ultrasound (ultrasound of the kidneys) to see if there were any abnormalities that would explain why she keeps getting these. Everything was normal with that so they scheduled a test called a VCUG. (we are supposed to go Thursday)

Bascially this is test to see if she has renal reflux, which means her urine sometimes backflows into her kidneys. Or something like that. Anyways, I have a dilemma. The test requires a catheter to be inserted into her urethra and it injects contrast into her bladder...they then take xrays to see which way it flows.

I have a HUGE problem with them inserting anything into or around the area of my baby girls "Private area" as we call it. She will have to be lying there spread eagle the whole time with this painful thing shoved into her urethra. I really think this would be traumatizing to her. I am having a ton of anxiety about it.

However if they find out this is the problem then we could get to the bottom of her chronic UTI/Kidney infections and hopefully she won't have to deal with them anymore.

But, I don't personally think reflux is the problem. I think it is her immune system. I think she may get bacteria up in there, which is probably super normal for little girls who don't always wipe properly, but her non existent immune system can't fight anything off, therefore resulting in a kidney infection.

I have this theory because this is not the only ailment she suffers with on a chronic basis. She gets strep at least twice a year, and with the exception of last winter has had either RSV or pneumonia every single year since she was born. Also, every single time someone around her is sick, she gets it, and she always gets very sick for multiple days. So a common two day little cold will kick her ass for like 5 days.

Still, I don't want to be irresponsible. I dont want to ignore that reflux is a possibility. But I just CANNOT imagine letting them test her for it.

I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what to do...please give me some advice!!!

Drama Judy

So, years ago my brother coined the term "Drama Judy". It stemmed from this lady he worked with who always had some kind of dramatic situation going on and I am guessing was named Judy...she was one of those people who when you say, "How are you today?" doesn't give the normal, "Good how are you?" response but always has some new trauamatic sob story about how her cat might have cancer.

I have to say I have known my share of Drama Judy's. And I have had my fill and then some...I have purposely cleansed them from my life. But apparently I need to do the same with my facebook.

 So, FYI, if you feel the need to be a giant drama judy on your facebook status...I will "hide" you. Possibly delete you. Facebook is certainly not the place to broadcast your daily "woe is me" babble.

Scenario - I am in a good mood...the kids were happy this morning, I got my daily workout in and now I feel like sitting down with a delicious cup of coffee and logging onto facebook. I see so and so had a good weekend, or look, new pictures of such and such's baby. How cute...and then, dun dun dun...someone has to be a drama judy and post some sort of wah wah wah and the theme music from Debbie Downer immediately goes through my head. Thanks so much for that pick me up! (sarcasm font would really come in handy at this moment)

Rereading today's blog...I sound hateful and maybe a little wah wah wah myself. Doesn't change the fact that maybe we should consider shipping all the drama judy's of this world to their own island. Kind of like survivor and the object of the game is to OutSad everyone by making them all feel sorry for you.

Weezer = Happiness

My brother, who is also my hero, posted this on his facebook this morning. It was literally the best beginning to any day of all time. It made me smile and LOL.

So, I thought I would share, take a minute to watch and I promise you will get all warm and fuzzy inside.

Have a Happy Day!!!

I was a Teen Mom 2

Teen Mom 2 is seriously my favorite show right now. I cannot get enough. Maybe because I have been there, and can so precisely relate.

 I became pregnant with my oldest, Austin, when I was only 17 and a senior in high school. I had to "hide" it for quite a while, which obviously exacerbated the shame. I don't remember thinking my life was over...I just remember feeling like a horrible person. I really don't think I have ever talked very much about it all. So, I guess I will today.

My parents we amazing...they never got mad at me or said terrible things in their frustration, they just loved me. They supported me, and made it possible for me to still live my life after Austin was born. I have no idea how girls in this situation manage without a family like mine.

At the time, I was in a reltationship that slowly stripped away any self esteem or self worth that I had, leaving me jaded and guarded and bitter. I would like to say it made me stronger, and maybe in a way it did, but mostly I think it robbed me of a lot of happiness for a long time.

At this moment, I realize, I let this happen to me so I can only blame myself.

I was so immature and self absorbed...I was really not a good mom. To this day its hard for me to remember very much about Austins first year of life...and it gives me crazy anxiety to think that he is already 11 and before I know it will be in college, or married, or having babies himself. (knock on wood, the babies won't come for another 20 years). There are a lot of things I missed out on and I held onto a lot of resentment, until I realized something...

There is this little thing called the Grace of God. And He felt so much love for me that not only did He send His son to die for me...which is enough times 1 billion...but he saved me a second time when he sent me Austin.

As a 29 year old I look back and know that there is not ONE thing I would change about getting pregnant with Austin. Austin is so smart and amazing and that little baby boy led me down the path my life intended to go. So I hope Teen Mom is on the air forever because it always reminds me that I was a teen mom too.

To Blog or Not to Blog?

First let me say one thing, I am under no delusion that people will actually want to read this...but with that in mind here goes...

My friend Mary sent me a link to her blog today. I absolutely loved reading her thoughts. Her particular blog seemed like a kind of theraputic tool for what she is presently going through, a sort of declaration of imperfection and it was so raw and real and I loved being a tiny part of her world for those two or so minutes. So, needless to say, I was inspired to write my own.

My life is completely normal and uninteresting in every way. So mostly, I am writing this for me. I love love love to write, love to attempt to put into words what my boring life is all about. I've read other blogs in the past...ok, well, one. And I hated it. Not because it was terrible or inconsequential, but because this woman made me feel like a crappy mom. Please understand I am in no way blaming her for making me feel this way, that comes from my own insecurity, but every damn day it was some new craft she had made for the starving children in Africa, or how she had worked for seventy three hours, balanced the national budget and had time to make homemade syrup to put atop the pancake feast she made for the entire homeless population of Kansas City. Really, she is a pretty cool chick, but I let myself be intimidated by it all.

So, this was my perception of what a "blog" was and what sort of people had them. Today, Mary made me see things differently. Although I would like to take this oppurtuniy to point out that her blog actually serves a greater purpose. Whereas mine is just babble about myself, my life, my thoughts, my insecurties, my fears, my triumphs, my failures, my family etc. and it will probably be boring.