I Never Finish Anyth....

I sort of pride myself on the fact that I have an extraordinary ability to self analyze and correctly diagnose my internal crazy.  Amongst a long list of short comings, I have a serious problem with completing/committing to big "stuff".

Sometimes when I point this out Jared gives me a nervous look. I always comfort him by explaining that he need not worry, him and the kids are the one thing I am fiercely committed to, and besides if I was going to run away, I would have done it by now.

I often find myself taking on things like a new career or a new project at church. I am initially excited about the endeavor, but as soon as it becomes an obligation...I'm out.

I truly believe it stems from my fear of failure and the fear of losing control. I physically cannot breathe sometimes if I in any way feel like someone or something has any amount of control over what I do. And of course, being a first born, I have the incessant need for everyone's approval...so if I start something and fail, what will people think of me? Instead, I just quit. I quit whatever it is and come up with some sort of ingenious explanation of why it's better for the world if I quit. I think I do a pretty good job of convincing everyone to see it my way, see why the "new thing" I am doing is not working out, with no fault of my own, of course. In reality, I am probably only convincing myself.
 

There is a huge part of me that is just fine with this. I really don't have a big desire to be some amazing career woman or make a lot of money. I am happy to just be the lady who is there to get her kids on and off the bus, to volunteer at school, keep my house clean and have time to go out to lunch with my mom or my BFF.

But because I have multiple personality disorder (an exaggerated self diagnosis), once in a while it makes me feel like a loser. Like I should be doing something more with my life. Because everyone else seems to be. There should be the ONE thing I am really good at. I told Jami yesterday that it's a good thing she can sew, because that is an important skill. I however have no skills. Jill replied and said that I make everyone laugh. That was sweet, but its really not a skill. It's like all the times when I have made comments about having zero talent, and it never fails, someone always says "you are really good at talking"

Talking? Seriously. This is why I will never finish/ follow through with anything in my entire life, because it will inevitably require more than a conversation.